I will honestly try to gather strength – from where I’m not sure – and try to get back into regular blogging, and in particular my painfully slow read of the KJB. I can’t promise anything in the next day or few as I have other chores on my immediate plate, but I’ll start hauling the worthless tome with me to work and hope to attack segments of it during my lunch hour. (I usually don’t eat lunch so I don’t have to worry about retching up a sandwich after reading some of the more insane passages.) Stay tuned …

So … I’ll be back to posting soon …

The book begins with a snooze of a speech in preparation for their passing over into the promised land. Lots of God is great, remember all He has done for you, follow the commandments, blah, blah and blah.

After the boring intro the next thing to do is reconnoiter the enemy territory. Josh sends out a couple of spies into Jericho. Needing a place to stay they do what any males away from their wives in another town would do – they shack up with a prostitute! I gotta admit, it beats a smelly stable. Anyway, the local king gets word of these pests and sends out a search party to hunt them down. The madam of the house, one Ms Rahab, must have liked these boys (Oh Joe, you so BIG!) and helps hide them. She is a shrewd woman however, and in return for saving their foreskin, as it were, gets a guarantee of safety for her family when the town is eventually overrun by the Israelites. Pretty sharp woman, this harlot.

The spies eventually return to Joshua and report that everyone is scared shitless of them. (Honest Josh, the only lodging available was the harlot!) So, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to war they go! Time to load up the God-box, grab your swords, clubs and do some killin’:

When ye see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests the Levites bearing it, then ye shall remove from your place, and go after it.

And lest anyone question Joshua’s authority in this endeavor, God’s gonna give Joshua a supersized woody so all of Israel will know who the big prick is amongst the people:

And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day will I begin to magnify thee in the sight of all Israel, that they may know that, as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee.

His supersized ego in hand, Joshua tells the assembled army that God will:

.. without fail drive out from before you the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Hivites, and the Perizzites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Jebusites.

Shiish … all these ‘ites’ sound like exhibits at a geology museum!

Well, the first thing they do is plop the God-box (the ark of the covenant) into the river, whereupon [snapping fingers] the river magically dried up and the army was able to cross on dry land.

That the waters which came down from above stood and rose up upon an heap very far from the city Adam, that is beside Zaretan: and those that came down toward the sea of the plain, even the salt sea, failed, and were cut off: and the people passed over right against Jericho.

Amazing, just amazing.

The army is now across the river, but before they start drawing blood there is a little procedural task to attend to:

At that time the LORD said unto Joshua, Make thee sharp knives, and circumcise again the children of Israel the second time.

I imagine for a few days they mostly lay around writhing in pain grabbing their scabbed crotches. Then a captain of the Lord shows up with an all-important message for Joshua. [Do they have official rank in heaven? Do they wear those little multi-colored bars that generals are so wont to display?]

.. the captain of the LORD’s host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy.

‘Umm … does this mean I have to walk through all these battles barefoot?’

Next we get to the first bit of silliness in this book – the siege and taking of Jericho. When laying siege to a fortified town here is how you do it – right from Joshua’s Art of War, 1st edition:

.. all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days.

And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams’ horns: and the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets.

And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat.

Yup … this sounds precisely as stupid as it reads. Circumambulate a fortress 7 days blowing ram horns, then on the seventh day after your daily fanfare you say to your people ‘All together now … SHOUT!’, and just like that the walls topple over. Ridiculous. I wonder how many of the rank and file in the army were thinking ‘This guy is fucking nuts … we traded Moses for this?’  And did it matter what they shouted? (Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! [Apologies to Monty Python])

Well, the wall comes a tumblin’ down as the old rhyme goes, and the Israelites go about doing God’s bidding (save for the harlot that hid the spies):

And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.

[Gee Daddy, why did all the people have to be killed? Well son, because they were different from us and because the voices in the head of our leader said this was what God wants. Remember son, you are God's chosen people and all others are lower than whale shit.]

God tells them that they get to keep the gold and silver for the treasury (they’re Jews – what did you expect?), but everything else is accursed and must be burned. Unfortunately some hapless idiot scarfs a few accursed items for himself. This makes God upset against Israel.

After reducing Jericho to ash, Joshua sends a smaller force of three thousand to defeat the people of Ai, but they are repulsed and suffer  a catastrophic loss of  30-odd men (out of 3K – what wimps!). Oh woe is me, says Joshua, we are wimps, because the Lord was not with us! But God tells him what the problem is:

Israel hath sinned, and they have also transgressed my covenant which I commanded them: for they have even taken of the accursed thing, and have also stolen, and dissembled also, and they have put it even among their own stuff.

.. and what to do about it:

.. neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you.

Well, that makes things much clearer. Time for a cell-block search to look for stolen/unauthorized accursed booty. Joshua hits upon some poor dweeb called Achan who confesses he took a few pieces of gold and silver and a garment. What probably pissed the Lord (and Josh) was the missing gold and silver from the treasury. Regardless, after Achan’s confession, he and his entire family (including his animals) are hauled out and punished, all to placate the poor tweaked nose of God:

.. the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones.

Poor iddo God is feeling better now [sniff]. He agrees to continue to help the Israelites in their warring ways. So it’s back to Ai – this time with a new God-plan. Joshua lays out an ambush scheme that allows them to conquer the people and do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king.

.. and when ye have taken the city, that ye shall set the city on fire: according to the commandment of the LORD

And so it was, that all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand, even all the men of Ai.

For Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai.

Ah, those slash and burn tactics. If only they’d had napalm in those days. Ol’ Josh was a regular iron-age Sherman, ‘cept Sherman didn’t intentionally slaughter innocent people. After the mayhem they build an alter, make some sacrifices and have a smoke to laugh it off and discuss their next battle plans.

Word of Joshua’s dastardly deeds travels around the territories. A group of people from Gibeon decide to try a different tactic to deal with the Jews. Figuring it is better to be a slave than an ex-person (ancient version of ‘Better Red than Dead’) they disguise themselves as poor distant travelers and approach Joshua to make a league with the Israelites to live in peace. Peace, you may recall, is a euphemism for second-class subservient status. They are granted this arrangement until sometime later when it is discovered they were not really travelers from distant lands but in fact dwelt within the lands Josh and Co. are conquering. Boo hoo … the Jew-boys were fooled into a bargain they cannot undo. However, the fine print allowed them to make an amendment, and they do:

Wherefore have ye beguiled us, saying, We are very far from you; when ye dwell among us? .. ye are cursed, and there shall none of you be freed from being bondmen, and hewers of wood and drawers of water for the house of my God.

In Heebe-Jeebie jargon, the Gibeonites become permanent slaves.

Next up we get a collection of five Amorite kings gathering together to try and unhinge the Jewish army.

Therefore the five kings of the Amorites … gathered themselves together, and went up, … and encamped before Gibeon, and made war against it.

Alas,

And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter … as they fled from before Israel, and were in the going down to Bethhoron, that the LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword.

God, the uber weather phenom, unloads hailstones to assist in the slaughter. And just how did the Heebs manage to duck the hailstones? Thick heads, small brains, no doubt. But it gets better, because Joshua now declares the laws of physics null and void for, oh, I don’t know, a day:

Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day.

And just like that [snapping finger] the Sun and Moon stand still. Or was it the Earth that stood still? No, it had to be the Sun and Moon because they revolved around the Earth back then, right? Newtonian motion of heavenly bodies – suspended. Einstein’s theories of space-time fabric -  dismissed. All Joshua had to do was ask and, yeah, God suspends the motion of massive heavenly bodies. And people believe this stupid tale? How come nobody else on the planet (say the Chinese or Egyptians, both of whom were way smarter) noted such a weird event? Perhaps it’s because I NEVER HAPPENED! But never mind the corroborative historical evidence, it’s in the Bible so it must be fucking TRUE!

OK God, I’ll be a believer if you make it rain Shamrock Shakes for a day over Washington D.C next Friday. Can you handle that?

The five Amorite kings are captured following the slaughter. After a brief incarceration in a cave they are brought before Joshua:

Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. … And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening.

Mmmm … the sweet scent of justice.

Onward Jewish soldiers … kill, Kill, KILL!

And Joshua passed from Libnah … and encamped against it, and fought against it: And the LORD delivered Lachish into the hand of Israel, which took it on the second day, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein

Then Horam king of Gezer came up to help Lachish; and Joshua smote him and his people, until he had left him none remaining.

Joshua passed unto Eglon … and they encamped against it, and fought against it: … and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed that day

And Joshua went up … unto Hebron; and they fought against it: And they took it, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and the king thereof, and all the cities thereof, and all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining

And Joshua returned to Debir; and fought against it: And he took it, and the king thereof, and all the cities thereof; and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining

Phew … that’s a lot of killing. Meanwhile, yet another collection of kings and rabble gather to mount another offensive against the Israelites:

And it came to pass, when Jabin king of Hazor had heard those things, that he sent to Jobab king of Madon, and to the king of Shimron, and to the king of Achshaph, And to the kings that were on the north of the mountains, and of the plains south of Chinneroth, and in the valley, and in the borders of Dor on the west, And to the Canaanite on the east and on the west, and to the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Jebusite in the mountains, and to the Hivite under Hermon in the land of Mizpeh.

Not to worry though …

And the LORD said unto Joshua, Be not afraid because of them: for to morrow about this time will I deliver them up all slain before Israel: thou shalt hough their horses, and burn their chariots with fire.

And so, with the usual malice, Joshua sharpens his sword on the necks of his enemies:

And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe: and he burnt Hazor with fire.

And it continues …

So Joshua took all that land, the hills, and all the south country, and all the land of Goshen, and the valley, and the plain, and the mountain of Israel, and the valley of the same; Even from the mount Halak, that goeth up to Seir, even unto Baalgad in the valley of Lebanon under mount Hermon: and all their kings he took, and smote them, and slew them.

So Joshua took the whole land, according to all that the LORD said unto Moses; and Joshua gave it for an inheritance unto Israel according to their divisions by their tribes. And the land rested from war.

The land rested from war?! Cripes, the stench of the dead must have reeked for months. Chapter 12 gives an inventory of all the kings of the lands that were smote by Joshua and his legions. The list is quite long  and I’m not going to list ‘em because, hey, who really gives a shit?

Chapter 13 and most of the remainder of the book are a LONG boring rehash of some of the events and the divvying up of the lands to the various tribes according to their inheritance. This must have been a real estate agents nightmare, parceling out tracts and ensuring each tribe, clan and Tom, Dick and Harry got what they felt was their portion of the land booty.

In divvying up the lands it is interesting to find that they were unable to drive all of the inhabitants out. For example:

As for the Jebusites the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the children of Judah could not drive them out; but the Jebusites dwell with the children of Judah at Jerusalem unto this day.

Way to go Jebusites! What was that earlier comment from God, that he would without fail drive out all the various ites from the lands? Apparently God was, um, less than powerful. Or, here is a thought, maybe the god of the Jebusites was (gasp!) stronger than the god of the Israelites!

And poor Caleb, Joshua’s neo-con sidekick from the Exodus wandering days, had an unconquered city (Kirjathsepher) within his inheritance. He had to offer up his daughter Achsah to entice someone to take it. She must have been a looker though, because somebody named Othniel stepped up to the task and won the prized offspring.

And pity poor Ephraim, offspring of Joseph, as they were unable to boot out all the Canaanites from their turf:

And they drave not out the Canaanites that dwelt in Gezer: but the Canaanites dwell among the Ephraimites unto this day, and serve under tribute.

And so on ..

After performing his duties as warmonger and real-estate agent extraordinaire, Joshua finally kicks the bucket at the ripe old age of  one hundred and ten years. Oh yeah, and Elezar, Aaron’s son, also kicks the bucket too.

And the rest all lived happily ever after.

Thus concludes the Book of Joshua, and the Jews of the Old Testament still suck.

Next up … Here come ‘da Judges.

Beginning in chapter 19 is another description of the three cities of refuge for someone that slays another, along with a bit of jurisprudence, such as it was:

Thou shalt separate three cities for thee in the midst of thy land … that every slayer may flee thither.

This idea of a ‘safe haven’ for someone that innocently slays another seemed rather strange at first. The more I thought about it the more it struck me as an ancient equivalent of the waiting period before purchasing a handgun. Relatives of the accidentally slain person might want to exact immediate revenge, but the time to travel to another city would constitute a cooling off period where, presumably, cooler heads might prevail. All of this assumes, of course, that the killing was an accident. If it was out of malice, well, all bets are off:

.. if any man hate his neighbour, and lie in wait for him, and rise up against him, and smite him mortally that he die … Then the elders of his city shall send and fetch him thence, and deliver him into the hand of the avenger of blood, that he may die.

How to know the difference? For starters, you need at least a couple of reliable witnesses – one is not enough:

One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.

Definitely an improvement, but you had better be an honest witness, otherwise:

Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother … And thine eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

Further in Ch 20 is an amusing list of exceptions for mandated conscription service in the ‘Army of God’:

• If you have a vineyard and have not harvested it … you get a deferrment
• If you have a wife and have not ‘taken her’ … another deferrment
• If you are fearful or fainthearted (in other words, a pussy) … take a deferrment

This just might explain some of those extra wives. (Honest Cap’n, I just married the wench and I haven’t had time to come into her with all this marchin’ and such.) For all those left in the Armed Services of God, here is what the military manual says when you approach an enemy:

When thou comest nigh unto a city to fight against it, then proclaim peace unto it.

Peace. It sounds so nice, except peace was not exactly what we understand the word to mean. In biblio-speak peace was a euphemism for submission and becoming slaves to the conquerors. In other words, a peace offering was a choice between slavery or, at best, second class status. And should you refuse the peace offering:

.. when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies

Kill all the males, make the women (read: fuck toys) and children as slaves and take all the booty. How sweet. But really, this dire outcome only applied to cities far off. (All of which begs the question as to why the Jews didn’t just stick to their damn promised land.) For cities closer at hand, specifically those within God’s promised land, well they were accorded a different fate:

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth: But thou shalt utterly destroy them ..

Tis wunnerful, just fucking wunnerful.

Chapter 21 begins with a few goofy versus having to do with finding a dead body outside of the cities, and having the priests drag some poor heifer out to the site, lop off its head and wash his hands over the body (of the heifer) and chant ‘We didn’t do it. Dunno who did it neither.’  Dumb, just plain dumb.

Meandering along I learn how to handle a situation where, as a member of a conquering war party, I might find some cute little chickadee that I’d kinda like to ‘come into’:

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her … And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her.

Yeah, and I bet she’ll be just as happy as a clam after that.

And I also learned how to handle a rebellious son (no mention of a rebellious daughter, but I presume the same applies):

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother … Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city … And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you

And here is a minor blurb on proper attire (no detail is too small for God):

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment

Got that? Men wear the pants, women the panties. And what, exactly, constituted men’s and women’s clothing anyway? Did God publish a catalog of divinely sanctioned attire – circa 2000 C.E.? Has this been updated through the ages?

Next I learn the Jews are just as stupidly obsessed with virginity as the idiots under Islam. If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her because she is not a virgin, then the issue must be brought before the elders. If they conclude this true, then the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. (Of course in Islam they are even more obsessed with virginity (and terribly fearful of the feminine attributes), but I’m not going to rant on that here.)

Oh, and here is some clarification on that commandment against adultery:

If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman

[That's funny ... I'm still here tapping away on the keyboard.] Anyway, moving along.

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver

Hmmm … a mere 50 shekels for taking an unbethrothed damsel. What’s the current price? In US dollars.

A man shall not take his father’s wife, nor discover his father’s skirt.

[Jaw falls open ..] WTF?!

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Aww … too bad Mr Planter lost his nuts in the last battle on behalf of God, because now he is banished from the congregation.

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Wow … ten generations of punishment all because some poor fuck was a bastard child of another. Sins of the father passed onto many generations of children. The Lord is indeed merciful.

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever … because they hired against thee Balaam the son of Beor of Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse thee.

Wait a minute, weren’t these people the generations of Lot’s incestuous affair with his daughters? And didn’t God sort of make Balaam bless the Hebrews instead of cursing them? And for this blessing they killed him anyway? Shit, why not just slaughter the Ammonite or Moabite for being such dickheads?

Now here are a few verses that perhaps I may have misinterpreted. Read it yerself and tell me what you think this means:

If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:

Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad: ..

… And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee ..

Is this talking about:

1. A wet dream?
2. A bowel movement?
3. ???

The first line suggests (to me, anyway) that one has become unclean by some uncontrolled event at night, while you were asleep. Either you had a wet dream, or you shit/pissed your raiment in your sleep. Either way, you remove yourself to a special place outside the camp (let’s call it the Whipping Post) where you do what? Ease thyself and bury the evidence.  Now I’m not sure what the hell a paddle upon thy weapon is supposed to mean (shovel?), but thou wilt ease thyself strikes me as biblio-speak for waxing the carrot. Dig a hole, wipe the dew off the lily and bury the mess. I suppose there are other interpretations, but I kinda like mine.

There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God

So there are absolutely no prostitutes or homosexuals among the Jews?! I’ll have to research that one. And dogs are banned too! What’s up with that?

If a man be found stealing any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and maketh merchandise of him, or selleth him; then that thief shall die

It’s bad if you steal your brethren to sell into slavery, but if you buy them (hey, I’ve got a receipt!) for slavery … well, that’s a-ok.

The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

What was all that crap, repeated various places earlier in the biblical texts, about the sins of fathers being handed down to the children until the Nth generation? Or, does that only apply to non-capital crimes? Clarity, we need clarity here!

If there be a controversy between men, and they come unto judgment, that the judges may judge them; then they shall justify the righteous, and condemn the wicked. And it shall be, if the wicked man be worthy to be beaten, that the judge shall cause him to lie down, and to be beaten … Forty stripes he may give him

Let’s paint a picture … two men have a disagreement about something. By definition of the Jewish system of jurisprudence, one of these men is righteous and the other is wicked. The wicked man, if he is worthy to be beaten (what the hell does that mean), has to just lie down and take it like a man. Wow, what a form of justice.

And how ’bout this beaute:

If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband’s brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband’s brother unto her.

And if the man like not to take his brother’s wife, then let his brother’s wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband’s brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband’s brother.

Then shall his brother’s wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face

WTF?? When a husband kicks off before he has consummated the union with his wife, then his brother gets the honors! But, if his bro refuses (maybe she was wolf-ugly), then the elders get a cheap thrill by watching her come up to the nonperforming brother, remove his shoe and spit in his face. LOL!

Here is another nut-grabbing verse:

When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Here’s the scene. A couple of testosterone-laden guys get in a bar brawl. Wifey of one tries to save her bread and butter by grabbing the family jewels of the other for a not-so-friendly yank. Bad move, because she will now lose her hand as punishment. Now I’m not in fav of having my scrot stretched under any circumstance, but this punishment seems rather severe.

Chapter 27 and 28 contain various curses that shall be inflicted for not following God’s laws, and blessings if they do as they have been told. However, starting about mid-way through chapter 28 is a huge list of explicit curses and evils that will befall the people if they fail to follow God’s laws. Here is a small sampling:

• Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field.
• Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy land, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.
• Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.
• The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.
• The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies: thou shalt go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them: and shalt be removed into all the kingdoms of the earth.
• The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart:
• The fruit of thy land, and all thy labours, shall a nation which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed alway:
• The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head.

.. and on and on and on and on. Talk about a pissy God!

In chapter 31 Moses rambles on about his poor situation (I’m old, God says I can’t go into the promised land, you are all a stiff-necked people, whine, whine, whine..).  He ends his this speech with this comment:

For I know that after my death ye will utterly corrupt yourselves, and turn aside from the way which I have commanded you; and evil will befall you in the latter days; because ye will do evil in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger through the work of your hands.

Wait a minute. If the Jews are going to utterly corrupt themselves, then what’s the point of all this bullshit Moses has been spouting for chapter after chapter? If destiny has already consigned the people to God’s shitcan then couldn’t you have simply said ‘Hey, I tried, but your doomed anyway.’ and wandered off somewhere to die in solitude? Cripes, instead of this monotonously long book he could have left a 3×5 card and the keys to the ark, then rode out of town.

Well, ol Moses isn’t done quite yet … he still has a couple more chapters to fill out:

Because I will publish the name of the LORD: ascribe ye greatness unto our God. [Our God? One of many??]

And a few final ejaculations of Wrath of God stuff before his inflated self goes limp:

• To me belongeth vengeance and recompence
• If I whet my glittering sword .. I will render vengeance to mine enemies
• I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh ..

At last, this grand warrior, faithful servant of I AM, the most cruel creation Man had yet concocted, this self-annointed leader of idiots, kicks his earthly bucket in the plains of Moab. The poor stiff is buried in an unmarked grave (convenient for posterity sake – no evidence) and at long last we come to a close on the Life and Times of Moses. Time for Joshua to take up the reins and make the final push into the land of beer and pizza, or tequila and salt, or vodka and OJ, or whatever.

In can honestly say that Deuteronomy lived up to its sorid reputation. I’m glad to get this book over with so I can move on to other lessor known (to me) books and see what unusual and humorous tales lie ahead.  Up next – Joshua and the D-Day invasion of the promised land.

The first few chapters are mostly a rehash of the Israelites adventures since leaving the land of Egypt. A few of the lighter moments of the wanderings are warmly recalled to give us a good chuckle:

Distress not the Moabites, neither contend with them in battle: for I will not give thee of their land for a possession; because I have given Ar unto the children of Lot for a possession.

And when thou comest nigh over against the children of Ammon, distress them not, nor meddle with them: for I will not give thee of the land of the children of Ammon any possession; because I have given it unto the children of Lot for a possession.

The people of Moab and Ammon were not to be disturbed because these people were the descendants of Lot. Remember Lot? You know, from Sodom and Gomorrah? Wasn’t his little wifey turned into a Hagrid-sized salt shaker? Right, so where’d all these descendants come from? But of course! From his incestuous romp with his daughters. How sweet.

But Sihon king of Heshbon would not let us pass by him: for the LORD thy God hardened his spirit, and made his heart obstinate, that he might deliver him into thy hand, as appeareth this day.

I just love how God has to harden the heart of anyone in the way of the Hebrews. One might theorize that perhaps they could have sat down and talked, worked out differences and been content to live and let live. Apparently not because the Big Brut has to harden hearts so war ensues and the chosen fuckwits can prevail.

(Re: Shion) And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:

(Re: Og of Bashan) So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.

Today we could call that genocide or perhaps even a Holocaust against the comquered peoples. But I guess those terms cannot be applied unless the Hebrews are the victims instead of the agressors. Thou shalt not kill. Yeah, right.

And what nation is there so great, that hath statutes and judgments so righteous as all this law, which I set before you this day?

So righteous indeed! Memo to Lord: Kiss my earthly ass! Memo to Jews: Fuck all of you.

In chapter 4 Moses, God’s earthly press agent, gives more endless reminders of just how fucking great the Lord really is, telling us that:

• The Lord is a merciful God
• The Lord is even a jealous God
• The Lord, he is God
• The Lord is a consuming fire
• There is none but Him
• The Lord is a fucking psychopath

In chapter 5 we get a rundown of the covenant (the ten commandments) between the God and his stooges:

Thou shalt have none other gods before me.

.. and they outta dump this sorry excuse for universal morality into the communal shithouse.

Thou shalt not make thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters beneath the earth:

.. there goes much of the art world. My dogs regularly drop graven images of God all over the yard, which I scoop up and toss into the woods. God is very useful as fertilizer.

Keep the sabbath day

.. for football. And free enterprise (shopping). And drinking. And sex. And manmade temples with pointless rituals.

Honour thy father and thy mother

.. fine, if I have to.

Thou shalt not kill.

.. in principle, sure. So God, how about ‘splainin your obsession with killing?

Neither shalt thou commit adultery.

.. hey, what happens between consenting adults is their business – only.

Neither shalt thou steal.

.. in principle, yes. I’ll make exceptions for survival. Oh, and this admonition doesn’t seem to apply to the Heebs vis-a-vis other peoples possessions (think Egypt and the conquered lands).

Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour

.. fine, no argument.

Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour’s wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

.. see adultery. Considering this commandment also condones slavery, I view coveting my neighbor’s wife in carnal ecstasy to be a rather trivial offense.

Thus sayeth Moses (on behalf of God). Thus ammendeth me.

Chapter 6 continues with more commandments, statutes and other bullshit. To wit:

Ye shall not go after other gods, of the gods of the people which are round about you; (For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth.

More reminders that the Jews had better be loyal otherwise God will throw a hissy fit and kill ‘em all. Really defies logic when you think about it. History would seem to suggest these mental midgets have never really taken a step back to actually think about all this. Just blind acceptance of generation after generation of the same rituals and beliefs without modification.

In chapter 7 Moses gives reminders of just how to behave upon entry to the promised land:

When the LORD thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites … And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them

That commandment about not killing was written in disappearing ink. And isn’t it amazing how merciful the Lord is to the little ones – children too young and innocent to understand hatred? Ah, what the hell – bash their little brains out. It’s a God-inspired party!

For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.

Yeah, and the Nazi’s thought the Jews were pretty special too, and your God didn’t seem to give a fuck then, did he? Maybe it’s time to rethink that chosen people notion?

And repayeth them that hate him to their face, to destroy them: he will not be slack to him that hateth him, he will repay him to his face.

If you hate God you’ll get to meet him mano-a mano. Personally, I can hardly wait. I’m gonna stick one vicious finger into his godly eye and look into the other and say kiss my ass, then show myself the exit to Hell. But of course it’s all fiction.

Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

The Hebrews are always blessed as God’s favorite people. And the rest of us? Leftovers, naturally. They strike me as the equivalent of the Wicked Queen’s mirror in the story of Snow White.

God, preening himself: Magic mirror on the wall, who is the greatest of them all?

Jews (sacrificing animals and prostrating themselves): But of course you are, my Lord.

It’s all a fucking fairy tale. Disney stuff, without the illustrations and cute characters.

And thou shalt consume all the people which the LORD thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity upon them

Greatest of them all – yup.

Thou shalt not be affrighted at them: for the LORD thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible.  [too!]

Chapters 9 & 10 are a rehashing of building the ark of the covenant, appointment of priests and other ritualistic rubbish. It’s kinda funny that Aaron, who was such a major player in the entire ordeal in Egypt and a large portion of the wanderings in the wilderness hardly gets a mention in this retelling. It’s as if Moses is doing some historical editing to ensure his top-dog place in history.

And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,

Nobody actually loves this peevish and petulant child-god-deity, they feign love out of fear. Pathetic, really.

For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward

?! How many gods are there? Uh, Monty, I’d like to try for the god behind door number 2 instead, if you please.

Beware if you choose another god, or should become curious about alternate belief systems:

Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise.

What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

It’s our God’s damn laws – follow them, OR ELSE!

Chapter 13 has a few verses dealing with potential prophets that might arise among the people.

If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them; Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams … And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death

And it isn’t just someone claiming to be a prophet. Indeed anyone – family, friends, neighbors, other tribes near and far that might have contrary beliefs are consigned to the shitcan in the eyes of God:

Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

I guess we can thank God for the death of that dreamer of dreams who wrote:

Image there’s no Heaven. It’s easy if you try.

We run into the above commentary on future prophets again later on, so I’ll have more to say in a bit.

Ch 14 is a rehash of culinary rituals and restrictions. No mention of restrictions on penguins or dodo’s, so I assume these are (or in case of the dodo, were) OK.

Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien

I found the above line rather amusing. Generally speaking, eating an animal that drops dead on its own is probably not very healthy. It’s interesting how the Jews were wise enough to recognize this for themselves, but have no moral compunction whatsoever about giving the unhealthy meat to strangers or aliens. Never accept anything from a Jew.

And if thy brother, an Hebrew man, or an Hebrew woman, be sold unto thee …

Slavery, of course, is wholly sanctioned. Perhaps we can excuse this on grounds that is was many centuries ago. (Of course our own country has a rather sorid past with this practice, so we are hardly innocent.) Still, it’s interesting that God is so manifestly silent on opposing this practice.

And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

Yeah, and don’t forget the sponge (priestly) class.

Starting in Chapter 15 we get into more details on the laws to which the Jews must ascribe themselves. Now I have to admit that some of the laws and injunctions are perfectly acceptable. The problem is that there are so many others that are utterly insane that what you are left with is a stew with a few healthy veggies and a large helping of dung – on balance, unappealing and hardly nutritious. For example, regarding the poor:

Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

Fine, but a few verses later we revert to the insane with this shit about what to do with a slave that refuses to leave his wife/children after being released by his master:

Then thou shalt take an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever. And also unto thy maidservant thou shalt do likewise.

Ch 16 has a bunch of ritual crap revolving around the celebration of Passover (Zzzz…).

Neither shalt thou set thee up any image; which the LORD thy God hateth.

We’re still waiting on that definitive list of offensive images. Perhaps God uses Justice Potter Stewart’s famous quote on defining pornography: ‘I know it when I see it.’

If there be found among you …  man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God … Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing … and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.

Love me, or die.

And the man that will do presumptuously, and will not hearken unto the priest that standeth to minister there before the LORD thy God, or unto the judge, even that man shall die: and thou shalt put away the evil from Israel.

Don’t forget to kiss the ass of the judges too, otherwise ye shall also die.

Ch 18 has a repeat of the earlier blurb regarding a future prophet, appropriately vague so as to be correctly interpreted by Christians as fortelling Jeebux, or Muslims as fortelling Muhammad. Hell, maybe it is fortelling that Vissarion idiot (looks like LotR’s Aragorn to me) over in Siberia!

I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him. … whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require it of him.

Great, so some future nitwit will spew more mindless rubbish about God’s greatness, how we must fear him and prostrate ourselves endlessly or we’ll burn in Hell. But gee wiz God, how will we know this prophet from any other blathering doomsday prophet?

But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.

But God, this is still fuzzy. I mean, we all die eventually, so I’m still unclear how we will know this prophet is the real deal?

When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.

OK, I think I get it now. So, purely hypothetical here, let’s say a future prophet comes along making all sorts of God-speak ostensibly in your name, then makes the following bold claim:

That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.

If such a prediction fails to come to pass then I would be correct in concluding this is a false prophet – yet another streetcorner end-of-the-world blatherer, right? Perfect.

This covers Deuteronomy up through chapter 18. Reading this shit rally challenges my acceptance of evolution by natural selection. Not because I find weakness in the Darwinian theory (there is none), but because I would have thought natural selection would have tossed believers into the fossil record long ago. Perhaps I’m not thinking on a long enough time scale – so there is still hope. In that regard, I’m optimistic.

Chapter 18 starts off with yet another reiteration to Aaron from the Lord that only he and his Levite lineage are assigned responsibility for the tabernacle of the congregation. Others that dare to invade God’s personal space will have their chips cashed, so to speak:

And they shall keep thy charge, and the charge of all the tabernacle: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die.

He makes more ramblings on how Aaron and the other priests are guaranteed their portion of offerings. This is typical of the priestly class – never contributing shit to a community, and always shaving a portion of the community offering for themselves. They are all lazy asses. Those that can, do, those that can’t become priests.

Next we experience a strange story surrounding the ritual slaughter of a red heifer. God specifically calls for a red cow, no spots or blemishes:

.. bring thee a red heifer without spot, wherein is no blemish, and upon which never came yoke …and one shall slay her before his face … And Eleazar the priest shall take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle of her blood directly before the tabernacle of the congregation seven times … And one shall burn the heifer in his sight; her skin, and her flesh, and her blood, with her dung, shall he burn … And the priest shall take cedar wood, and hyssop, and scarlet, and cast it into the midst of the burning of the heifer … And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer, and lay them up without the camp in a clean place, and it shall be kept for the congregation of the children of Israel for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin.

Wow, did you get all that? Take one red cow, baste with cedar chips and plant spices, grill until the whole mess into ash, gather and mix with ‘pure’ water and – viola – you’ve got a magical potion for the removal of sin. Specifically, sin associated with coming in contact with a dead body! This red bovine story seemed little more than yet another one of the Heeb crank rituals until I did a bit more side reading. It seems the Jews take this red cow shit a wee bit too seriously. One questionable source I consulted confirms my suspicion that the Jews really are nuts. I suspect the web site is run by a bunch of Jewish fundie whack-o’s – the tone of many of the articles left little doubt. Still, the story of the red cow and it’s role in the crumbling relic of antiquity known as the Second Temple was rather enlightening, in a fanatical sort of way.

Seems there have been only nine red cows between the first one in Numbers 19 and the destruction of the Second Temple in about 70 CE. Poor Jews … they’ve not have any purification water in all that time. Probably ‘splains why they’ve been kicked around for so long. Anyway, the nutcases among them are anxiously awaiting the birth of the next red bovine, the tenth, which will hearld the Messianic era when God, or Jesus, or idiot with a business card that says ‘Messiah’ will come and personally officiate over the next beef barbeque. And this grand event will be the harbringer of the building of the Third Temple! I’m sure the Muslims are all on board with that idea. Can you say UN peacekeeping force? Good.

Apparently back in 2002 there actually was a red cow born on some farm is Israel. This got all the rabbinical asshats into a fizzy, and they initially declared the beast kosher. Git yer shovels, Third Temple here we come! All they had to do was wait 3 years for it to ‘age’ properly, then the Messiah himself would come to save ‘em all. Thankfully, Bossy eventually sprouted some distinctly un-red hairs which disqualified her, and the world was spared Intifada v3.0. All I can say is they are all raging loonies.

Moving on … Moses leads the people to the land of Zin:

Then came the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month: and the people abode in Kadesh; and Miriam died there, and was buried there.

Bummer for Moses sister (yeah, I f**ked up in the last post) Miriam.

And there was no water for the congregation: and they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron.

Well, there they go again – complaining. God tells Moses to go before the people and smack a rock with his staff and, like magic, water shall magically flow from it!

And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also.

Wow, just like that water spews from a granite drinking fountain! Un-fucking-believable. This little granite watering hole becomes known as the Water of Meribah, because that is where Moses did his rock magic. This place is referenced later on when Aaron, and later Moses, are gathered.

Moving onward our mob desires to move through the land of Edom. Moses sends some emisaries to the ruling king of Edom to seek passage. The king says … ‘I think not!’

And Edom said unto him, Thou shalt not pass by me, lest I come out against thee with the sword.

Our wandering herd has to detour and moves on to Mt Hor. It is here that Moses informs Aaron that it’s time to cash in his earthly chips:

Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.

I love this language. It’s not ‘Come here boy, time for you to die!’. Instead, he will be gathered unto his people. How soothing. But wait a minute! The rebellion back at the Water of Miribah was the people rising against Moses and Aaron. I don’t recall that Moses and Aaron were among the complainers, but apparently His Nuttiness saw things differently – and HE knows all, of course. Guilt by association. Poor Aaron has to give up his pass to the land of milk and honey.

Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor: And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.

Did you catch that? Three people go up, two come back – with poor Aaron on ice. Hmm. A little three-way power-play, perhaps? Time for the Jewish CSI team!

All the people mourn poor Aaron for thirty days, because there just wasn’t anybody that could heave a shoulder of beef like the A-man! Their new massa of the tabernacle is Aaron’s son Eleazar.

The Israelites now get into a battle with king Arad the Canaanite:

And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities: and he called the name of the place Hormah.

Not much detail on this battle .. we just assume the usual slaughter. After this victory the wandering mob moves on around Edom and, once again, the people start complaining:

And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.

[Steam coming from God's ears ... like in a WB cartoon.] Thus:

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

Ouch! Ooch! Ouch! What the hell were these? An overnight explosion of what? lizards? snakes? miniature horn tail dragons? Oh those poor tormented people … as always, they cry to Mo’ for help:

And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.

WTF? Just make a brass likeness of one of the critters, tack it to a pole and this will make everything all better!? How fucking obvious! [smacking head] Now why didn’t I think of that?

Our Jewish army ant colony crawls on, this time to the land of Sihon, king of the Amorites. As with Edom, they ask to pass through and are denied. Only this time the Shion-ites decide to wage war. Bad move.

And Sihon would not suffer Israel to pass through his border: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and went out against Israel into the wilderness: and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel. And Israel smote him with the edge of the sword, and possessed his land from Arnon unto Jabbok

Our Heebs are piling up conquered lands and booty, but they want more – always more. How stereotypical.

And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei. And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people … So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land.

At last, the mob makes camp in the plains of Moab, near Jerico and across the river (more or less) from their promised land. Starting in chapter 22 for the next 3 or so chapters we get a rather lengthy story of Balak, son of Zippor and king of the Moabites; and Balaam, son of Peor. Balak, you see, is in the immediate line of march for the Israelites, and he is mighty scared.

And Balak the son of Zippor saw all that Israel had done to the Amorites. And Moab was sore afraid of the people, because they were many: and Moab was distressed because of the children of Israel.

Balak sends a few elders of the land to Balaam to induce him to come to his aid:

Come now therefore, I pray thee, curse me this people; for they are too mighty for me: peradventure I shall prevail, that we may smite them, and that I may drive them out of the land: for I wot that he whom thou blessest is blessed, and he whom thou cursest is cursed.

Huh? Balak needs help – infantry, guns, artillery, air support – yet all he wants Balaam to do is curse the Israelites?! No army? Not even a stinking pea shooter? Nope, just utter a curse against the people. Yeah, that outta ’bout do it.

The problem is, God has talked to Balaam – in a (wet?) dream – and told him to please not go!

And God said unto Balaam, Thou shalt not go with them; thou shalt not curse the people: for they are blessed.

Awrighty then … Balaam’s gonna stay put – for now. The diplomatic envoy returns to Balak empty-handed. Poor Balak is distressed at this, so he rustles up a higher-level group of priests and elders and sends them on a second mission to convince the recalcitrant Balaam to come and curse the Hebrews. God again talks to him in yet another dream, and this time tells him to – go!

And God came unto Balaam at night, and said unto him, If the men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them; but yet the word which I shall say unto thee, that shalt thou do.

Well, when God says go – you pack your shit and go. He packs his ass and heads out as instructed – by God.

And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.

And God’s anger was kindled because he went … and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him.

And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way

What?! First God tells him to go, then He is pissed because he followed his orders! Yeah, that makes sense – sure. So God sends an angel, heavenly sword drawn, to stand in the way of the Balaam’s ass – the 4-legged one. Balaam can’t see the angel, but apparently his ass can! The poor beast keeps turning aside to avoid the angelic specter, and Balaam can’t figure out what is wrong. Eventually his ass is cornered against a wall, and Balaam smacks the hapless and uncooperative beast with his staff, whereupon – IT TALKS!

And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.

Can you believe it?! This idiot Balaam is having this perfectly decent conversation with Mr Ed, his talking ass, and thinks nothing unusual of it? He doesn’t even do a De Niro ‘You talking to me?‘ Yeah, I’m sure this really happened – talking animals – no doubt about it. [reaching for asprin again..]

And the angel of the LORD said unto Balaam, Go with the men: but only the word that I shall speak unto thee, that thou shalt speak.

Balaam eventually makes his way to Balak, who is happy as a clam to see him so they can get on with the cursing. The next morning they ride out to get a better view of oncoming Hebrew storm. Here they build seven altars, sacrifice some beasts, then Balaam wanders – alone – to commune with God to get the ‘word of the day’. He returns, sans curse:

How shall I curse, whom God hath not cursed? or how shall I defy, whom the LORD hath not defied? … lo, the people shall dwell alone, and shall not be reckoned among the nations. Who can count the dust of Jacob, and the number of the fourth part of Israel? Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his!

Well shewt, Balak says, that ain’t no curse, that’s a dang blessing, ya shithead! Come on with me and we’ll go to a different place with a better view – maybe then you’ll git yer cursin’ done proper.

And he brought him into the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah, and built seven altars, and offered a bullock and a ram on every altar. And he said unto Balak, Stand here by thy burnt offering, while I meet the LORD yonder. And the LORD met Balaam, and put a word in his mouth   ..

Well, the second site wasn’t any better and God still placed a blessing word rather than a curse upon the lips of Balaam:

Behold, I have received commandment to bless: and he hath blessed; and I cannot reverse it.  He hath not beheld iniquity in Jacob, neither hath he seen perverseness in Israel

Wow, and don’t forget about the Hebrews strength too!

.. he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.

A unicorn, eh? [raised eyebrows] Yup, the fossil record supports that factoid too.

Balaam’s second blessing really ticks off Balak, but he’s persistent and tries yet another site and a third time, with – you guessed it – the exact same result. Balaam just keeps blessing Israel because that is the only word that God places into his mouth. [Maybe Balak should have talked to Balaam's ass!] Balaam also tosses in this forboding warning:

God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.

Balak, now about to burst an artery, tells Balaam to get his ass the hell out of town. He’ll have to defend his people himself, apparently.

Meanwhile, back in the Heeb camp, things are getting festive again.

And Israel abode in Shittim, and the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab.  And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods.

Like a Hollywood ‘B’ movie, you know the plot line – God is pissed, His rath is on deck:

Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor.

A row of hanging heads! Breathtaking imagery, isn’t it? And then there is this little warm and fuzzy story:

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses … And when Phinehas saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; .. and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel.

Just because some of the men of Israel come home with an outsider, this zealot Phineas (Aaron’s grandson) skewers the two of them – all for God’s glory. And God is so fucking happy because Phineas was “zealous for his God” that he stays the plague he inflicted upon the people. Of course, that was after twenty-four thousand had already perished. Tell me again, Mom, why does anybody love this God?

Let’s not forget to take it out on the Midianites too:

Vex the Midianites, and smite them:

God is most merciful. And I’m the next Pope!

Moving along. Moses again has to number the people in preparation for war. He also doles out IOU’s to members of the various tribes for the land of their inheritance, once they take title away from the current occupants. After this administrative formality, God calls Moses up into the mountain of Abarim so he can be shown the land of their inheritance. With a caveat …

And when thou hast seen it, thou also shalt be gathered unto thy people, as Aaron thy brother was gathered. For ye rebelled against my commandment in the desert of Zin

Remember that Water of Miribam place? Well, poor Moses was also stained with the complaints of his people, so he too shall not get to see the promised land. Ya see, it’s time for Moses to be gathered – just like Aaron. But not quite yet, because we have to plan a line of succession. You know, President, VP, Speaker of the House, etc.

And the LORD said unto Moses, Take thee Joshua the son of Nun …

Joshua, one of the two neo-con heads of the tribes that was good enough in the eyes of God to live to see the promised land, is now given the reigns of power. This officially clears the way for Moses to be gathered as God has planned. We get another long rambling interlude retelling all the events of the wandering in the wilderness followed by a rehashing of all the ritualistic shit the Hebrews must perform in order to appease God. Boring stuff. At last, we get back to the story line – the thrashing of the Midianites. God tells Moses:

Avenge the children of Israel of the Midianites: afterward shalt thou be gathered unto thy people.

OkDokey, Moses says.

And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. … And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire. And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.

Well, at least they spared the women and children and kept the booty.  But wait!

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

Uhhh … gee Mo, it seemed like the decent thing to do. You know, non-combatants and all.

Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.  But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

The fuck? This cold blooded son of a bitch, this toady of God’s will, this hero of the fucking Jews just snaps his fingers and orders the slaughter of innocent children and impure women, keeping the remaining women as sex slaves!  This is just goddamn sick. Moses – you suck, and I hope you and all your wandering horde are rotting in the hell of your sick belief system. Your a fucking cold-blooded murderer – end of discussion.

Shit … I need to catch my breath … breath slowly now … ok, I’m feeling better.

Lord/Moses now gives the Heebs their last marching orders:

When ye are passed over Jordan into the land of Canaan; Then ye shall drive out all the inhabitants of the land from before you, and destroy all their pictures, and destroy all their molten images, and quite pluck down all their high places

And, in case they fail … God will apply his version of the Golden Rule:

But if ye will not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you; then it shall come to pass, that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes, and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein ye dwell. Moreover it shall come to pass, that I shall do unto you, as I thought to do unto them.

The last bits of silliness in this book have to do with cities of refuge for killers. This is a rather dumb idea that if you accidently killed someone you can flee to another safe haven city until the heat is off, I guess. The whole notion is rather complex and seems goofy, but these are the Jews we are talking about. One idea that sure made sense (!?) had to do with someone spilling the blood of an innocent person. This innocent blood is unclean and defiles the land, thus requiring a cleansing. How to restore the cleanliness? Why it’s simple … you gotta kill the killer, that’s all. One murder begat another. Eye for an eye. Apparently this superceeds the commandment against killing. (As, of course, did all the wars and conquests leading them to the land of their inheritance – but hey).

Thankfully, this endeth the Book of Numbers.

Next up in my Dante-esque tour of the Bible – Deuteronomy. I can hardly wait.

I’m stumbling across so many really interesting atheist blogs that it is practically a full-time job just trying to keep up. My contribution to the atheist world is insignificant, but I still like the idea of being one more small voice in the larger community of rational free thinkers.

Supposedly there is some way to get a PHP link for the blogroll into the sidebar for WordPress users. My technical skills are apparently insufficient to figure out how this actually works. If anyone has helpful hints, please pass them along – all this PHP and web stuff is too darn confusing.

At last I finally got around to ordering and installing a replacement power supply and superdrive. (Actually, I bought 2 because I know this will happen again … they don’t seem to last long in the PPC iMAC’s.) Luckily everything came back online without any loss of all my politically incorrect content. Also got my DVD drive working again, so on with pissing off the RIAA!  

Being offline for this extended time was uber frustrating, especially during the election. I was SO excited – more than I’ve ever been – watching the election returns and the Obama victory. In recent years I have been so depressed and apathetic about politics and elections that I’ve actually ignored voting cycles, taking the defeatist attitude that it doesn’t really make a difference. Obama’s campaign did something I though would never happen – it got me interested and engaged in a way I’ve not felt for years. (McCain choosing that airhead Palin as his running mate surely didn’t help his cause.)  I really wanted to write up my at-the-moment feelings as I was taking in all the jabbering on election night, but without the MAC all I could do was watch the tube and marvel at the unfolding of history. His victory speech in Grant Park was terrific – exactly what I wanted to hear, and the faces in the crowd seemed to me to reflect a true cross-section of America. Quite unlike the lilly white crowds at McCain/Palin rallies. Now that it’s been a week+ since the election the excitement has largely worn off – it’s back to the usual deluge of depressing news from the financial markets – I guess I’ll pass on any further commentary on the election night. For all of us that voted for Obama, we have placed great hope that he will be the real engine of change in our body politic over the next 4 (8?) years. I truly hope he can deliver – for us and for our nation. Thank’s to our Dear Leader GWB, Obama will be inheriting just about the worst of all possible worlds, with wars, housing, employment, health care and financial collapse. If he manages to deal effectively with even half of the mess that GWB has left him, that would make Obama an incredible leader. We should all wish him success on Jan 20. Our lives as well as those of our children and grand children are quite literally on the line.

I will state that I’m a little concerned over some of the rumored cabinet appointments Obama is considering. Today it was reported he’s considering Hillary Clinton for Sec of State. I have to object to this. It’s not that Hillary isn’t qualified, but I do not believe this is the best course of action. Obama ran on a platform of change, and to bring Hillary into his administration as a cabinet position will tarnish his image, and give ammunition to his critics that he will not be governing as a centrist. In my opinion it’s time to break from the ‘old school’ and bring in new people and ideas to deal with the challenges facing our nation. I know he ran a tough campaign against Hillary, and perhaps feels obligated to throw her a political bone. However, I don’t believe he is obligated to pay her back with such a high-level appointment. I’m sure plenty of people will disagree with me, and that is fine. I just don’t think her selection is in keeping with his campaign mantra of change. If he does appoint her, I will support her if for no other reason than she’ll be the public face of our nation on the world stage. Still, I wish he’d look elsewhere for talent.

In my Alice-in-Wonderland tour of the Old Testament I am now into the Book of Numbers, the fourth book of the Torah. I never knew much about this book so I assumed it didn’t contain any of the ‘Top 10′ warm and fuzzy stories. However, it has actually been quite entertaining – once you get past some boring opening chapters. Like a good fuck, it starts out slow, but builds into some rather entertaining insanity.

Chronologically, the book spans the time from just over two years into the Exodus from Egypt, until the Israelites cross the River Jordan into Canaan. So, with asprin and tequila at the ready, let’s get started. The biblical calendar says we are in the 26th month out of Egypt, and Moses is instructed by God to make a count of the tribes of the descendentants of Jacob. Only males need apply:

.. every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war

All the heads of the tribes are gathered and the census begins. Those souls lucky enough to fall in the desired age range are classified 1-A and given their offical draft card and target to wear on their back. No educational or hardship  deferrments are allowed. When the census is complete we are informed the Hebrews have mustered 603,500 volunteers for Jewish Desert Storm v1.0. Interestingly though, not all eligible males  were drafted as sword fodder:

But the Levites after the tribe of their fathers were not numbered among them.

Ah … the tribe of Moses and Aaron. Yeah, they got a special assignment.

But thou shalt appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of testimony, and over all the vessels thereof, and over all things that belong to it: they shall bear the tabernacle, and all the vessels thereof; and they shall minister unto it, and shall encamp round about the tabernacle.

The Levites are assigned as roadies for the God-stage. They are numbered, then further divided based on the subclan headed by the sons of Levi: Gershon, Kohath and Merari. Each is assigned responsibility for a particular portion of the travelling God show:

• The Gershon clan gets the tent, covers, curtains, cords
• The Kohath clan has the ark, table, candlesticks and Weber grill
• The Merari clan get the boards, bars, pillars, sockets, vessels, pins

Clearly the Kohath gang drew the prestiege assignment, as they get responsibility for the ark, including God’s personal Johnny on the Spot outhouse (the mercy seat). This assignment turns out to bite them in the ass later on, but for now all is sweet.

And when Aaron and his sons have made an end of covering the sanctuary, and all the vessels of the sanctuary, as the camp is to set forward; after that, the sons of Kohath shall come to bear it: but they shall not touch any holy thing, lest they die … .. But they shall not go in to see when the holy things are covered, lest they die.

Now why is God is so damn sensitive about people coming near him? Nearer my God to Thee? Apparently NOT! Why all the secrecy anyway? What are they hiding? Shewt! My unsubstantiated theory is that Moses and Aaron were gay, and the ark was their stash of Butt Buddy mags, KY jel and a few golden butt plugs’s. Ya disagree? Prove me wrong!

Everyone’s all packed and ready to move out. But first, we need to discard the trash:

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead: Both male and female shall ye put out, without the camp shall ye put them; that they defile not their camps, in the midst whereof I dwell.

Letter to God from the lesser among your chosen people: Fuck you!

We now get a lengthy and boring description of the Law of the Jealousies. What the hell is this, you say? Well, I already asked that – so there. But here is the explanation: you think your wife is getting some keilbasa along with bread from your neighbor, the baker, but you can’t prove it. You’re a jealous man. Who you gonna call? The priests, of course! Your suspect wife is also called in for a proper and thorough examination:

Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell;

The priest mixes up a bitter concoction, and the poor suspect is forced to drink it. If she is guilty, her thigh will rot and belly will swell! Cool! But whether she be guilty or innocent of the accusation, the Law of Jealousies assures us:

Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.

It is never ever the man’s fault. Only women bleed. Chapter 6 provides details about one particular groups of toadies – the Nazarites – that choose follow a peculiar set of restrictions.

He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried. All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head All the days that he separateth himself unto the LORD he shall come at no dead body.

Strange group, these Nazarites. No drinking of spirits (I’m disqualified), no hair cuts and no coming at any dead bodies. Basically we have a bunch of sober hippies, with an aversion to dead people.

And if any man die very suddenly by him, and he hath defiled the head of his consecration; then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day shall he shave it.

But if somebody drops dead in front of a Nazarite then he has to shave his head – on the seventh day! Oh, and you also have to make a bunch of offerings (burnt, sin, peace) – including your shorn locks, as part of the peace offering. Weird.

Ch 7 finds Moses has again setup the tabernacle again at some new watering hole, so now it’s offering time – as always. Only this time the heads of the twelve tribes bring wagons, and oxen and all manner of other shit to make proper offering to the Lord. Moses says thanks for the wagons, and promptly divvies them up between the tribe of Gershon and Merari, so they can haul their portion of the tabernacle. To the Kohath, well, they get nada. It is their ‘gift from God’ that they haul their portion of the tabernacle by hand. Bummer, and that damn golden ark probably weighs a ton. For the next dozen days each head of the twelve tribes brings shit to offer up to God, and they all have a grand party.

Now the Levites – those chosen to manage the tabernacle – have to be properly prepped for their godly duties:

And thus shalt thou do unto them, to cleanse them: Sprinkle water of purifying upon them, and let them shave all their flesh, and let them wash their clothes, and so make themselves clean.

Let the children of Israel also keep the passover at his appointed season.  In the fourteenth day of this month, at even, ye shall keep it in his appointed season: according to all the rites of it, and according to all the ceremonies thereof, shall ye keep it.

Yet another reminder to the chosen people that they had better maintain the passover. The Israelites must be a really forgetful bunch, because God seems to have to remind them at regular intervals. Hell, I can’t remeber my own damn birthday far less anything as important as the day the Lord callously slaughtered all the first born of Egypt! I guess that’s why I’m not a Jew. Plus, I like pork.

And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the children of Israel journeyed: and in the place where the cloud abode, there the children of Israel pitched their tents.

The God-cloud receeds, and Moses and his horde move out. The clouds (er, God) move in, and they make camp. Todays forcast – God, with a chance of rain – better make camp. Tomorrows forcast: God-free, so pack up and hit the trail. Sheeish … what idiots.

And so it was, when the cloud abode from even unto the morning, and that the cloud was taken up in the morning, then they journeyed: whether it was by day or by night that the cloud was taken up, they journeyed. Or whether it were two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud tarried upon the tabernacle, remaining thereon, the children of Israel abode in their tents, and journeyed not: but when it was taken up, they journeyed.

Two days they tarried? How the hell fast do you think you could mobilize a mob of a few hundred thousand people?  Part of the answer is the magical trumpets!

Make thee two trumpets of silver; of a whole piece shalt thou make them: that thou mayest use them for the calling of the assembly, and for the journeying of the camps.

And when they shall blow with them, all the assembly shall assemble themselves to thee at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

You just put your lips together and… blow. L’il ‘Satchmo’ Aaron just toots his horn and just like that [snapping fingers] he can summon the people or get them to pack up and move on out. Wow.

And they departed from the mount of the LORD three days’ journey: and the ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them in the three days’ journey, to search out a resting place for them.

God apparently can’t really tell them where to go … his omnivision being somewhat out of kilter. The Kohath gang hauling the ark are leading the way, looking for the next Jellystone Park camp site. And really, just how far do you think this travelling mob really went in a mere three days? The last of the people probably barely made it to where the front line was when they started moving! (You can imaging them thinking ‘What a fucking mess! Look at all this garbage – why the hell are we stopping here?’

And it came to pass, when the ark set forward, that Moses said, Rise up, LORD, and let thine enemies be scattered; and let them that hate thee flee before thee.

Moses has to remind God to scatter to the wind any heathen threats before the oncoming mob. Yeah, and all those plagues and hornets and other shit that God was going to send as an advance attack – well, forget about it.

Beginning in Ch 11 things liven up a bit.

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.

Whine, whine, whine. God’s upset, so he decides to play barber and shave a little around the edges of the camp. Well, that scared ‘em a bit, but soon enough they are back to bitching again:

And the mixt multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat? Then Moses heard the people weep throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent: and the anger of the LORD was kindled greatly; Moses also was displeased.

Be careful what you ask for! Moses was also pissed because he has to listen to all this shit day and night. He appeals to God for help, and is told to sanctify the people and gather them together. Their gonna eat flesh awright – LOTS of flesh:

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD

Pass the Baby Ray’s!

And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth.

LOL! God farts and his heavenly blow sends millions upon millions of quails a days journey from the sea to cover the ground among the people two cubits deep! Bird shit, anyone? The whiners gather up the feathery feast, but to their detriment:

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

I just knew he had it in him – killin’. It’s an addiction. The people are hungry and complain (rightly). God sees this as bitching and worthy of punishment. Bring ‘em some food just so you can kill a few of them. Perfect plan. Excellent execution. But the bitchin’ just doesn’t stop, because now both Miriam (Moses original wifey) and Aaron now have beefs:

And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

Ha! Moses discovers the old truth about once you’ve had black, you never go back! Likes his coffee black, he does. Well, they both spoke to loud because the God-cloud overheard the complaint. He calls everyone to his office – the tabernacle – for a lesson in obediance:

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them

And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous

Feeling perhaps a bit guilty, Moses pleads Miriam’s case and manages to get her a reduced sentence:

And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

Nice. And hey, did you notice Aaron’s punishment? You missed it? I did too.

Starting in chapter 13 God commands Moses to send out a member of each of the twelve tribes into the land of Canaan. A sort of intelligence (if one can use that word in a biblical context) mission to spy the promised land and report back.

And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many; And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds;

They do as they are told and dutifully report back to Moses:

And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey

But …

.. the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great

One of the spys, a neo-con named Caleb, says ‘Hey, we can take ‘em, it’s a slam dunk!’ However, most of the others beg to differ, claiming contrary evidence:

The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof … And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

Holy fucking Grawp! Giants!! Now who are you gonna believe? This news just starts the people bitching all over again against Moses and Aaron. Caleb and Joshua, the neo-cons among the spys, try to convince the people to launch an attack. (We can take ‘em. They’ll love us, we’ll be liberators, bring democracy throughout the land!) The people aren’t buying any of this shit, and call for a limestone vote:

But all the congregation bade stone them with stones.

Shit. Now they’ve really roused the wrath of I AM, and we know where that usually leads!

And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? … I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they.

Wow, God’s ready to discard his entire claymation creation and start a new pet project! But, as before, Moses talks God back from the edge of insanity. (When you get right down to it, I don’t think he ever was very successful.)

The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children

Poor long-suffering Lord, woe He be. Boohoo. And He is of such great mercy that he passes on the sins of the fathers unto their children – for four generations, no less! WTF?! Well, what’s a suffering God to do? This is where He apparently decides that none shall see his promised land, except the neo-cons Caleb and Joshua:

Because all those men which have seen my glory, and my miracles, which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have tempted me now these ten times, and have not hearkened to my voice; Surely they shall not see the land which I sware unto their fathers, neither shall any of them that provoked me see it:

But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it.

And Caleb had another spirit with him too! Do ‘ya suppose it came out of a bottle? Just a thought. Alas, the murmering, complaining idjits are now doomed to wander the wilderness until all the complainers have died off.

Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness. … in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die.

The People: Pardon me, I do believe I’ve mistakenly joined a fucking insanity cult – where is the exit?

Here is what I don’t understand – one item of of many, actually. The spys had no problem finding the promised land, wandering around and taking notes. So why on earth didn’t these people just say ‘fuck it!’ and head toward their destination, with or without Mo’ in tow? Instead they allow him to send them back into no-man’s land for nearly forty more years? These people had to be the dumbest on earth – ever.

But we’re not done with bloodshed yet – not by a longshot. After passing along God’s sentence the people are understandably upset and decide to go into the mountain to ask forgiveness of God, mano-a-mano. Problem is, they forgot to take the ark – you know, their secret weapon, Moses and Aaron’s personal travelling trunk of sex toys with the inflatable God. It seems the hills were occupied with their enemies, and without the ark they were unable to release a God patronis to dash them against the rocks. The results: Canaanites 1, Hebrews 0.

Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah.

So, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s back into into the wilderness they go. But killing, we need some more killing! Stepping into the ring now are the people of Korath, specifically Korah, Dathan and Abiram – sons of Korath – and another 250 lesser princes. These fools have the audacity to think that they are just as holy as Moses and Aaron! In essence these rebels are proto-democrats, asking for equal time in the eyes of God. Why should Moses and Aaron be treated special when they all are devoted believers? Sounds reasonable enough – we’re all equal in the eyes of God, right? Ha! Ye of democratic principle shall know truth and it shall not be favorable unto thee!

And he spake unto Korah and unto all his company, saying, Even to morrow the LORD will shew who are his, and who is holy; and will cause him to come near unto him

Now the game is on – come to the tabernacle tomorrow and you’ll see who God prefers!

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose ..

Wait a fucking roasted marshmallow minute here! Take censers, put incense in them and come before the Lord tomorrow?! Hmm … didn’t Aaron’s sons do this and get transfigured into characoal briquettes? The Korah gang, being unaware of George Santayana’s famous aphorism, show up and history more or less repeats itself:

And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.

Stand back people, God’s gonna blow! Moses tells the people to clear away from these sinners lest they also be consumed by God’s wrath. And thus his wrath unfolds

And it came to pass … that the ground clave asunder that was under them: And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah … hey, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.

And we can’t forget about the 250 other rebels:

And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense.

Beautiful, just beautiful. Moses has at last consolidated his power, with help from God. Amazing how these little Stalin-esqe features of Moses are never presented in religious upbringing. I guess we just have to keep alive the illusion that he was just a pious mouthpiece of God. Manly Charleton Heston in a beard. Pious my ass, and the killing still isn’t over!

But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD.

Yeah you have baby! What you gotta say to that Mo’? Yer people are all looking up to you and your travelling trunk, and all your doing is kiling them! Can you blame them for complaining? Once again (like a broken record) God’s wrath is stoked and you just know something bad is about to happen. Mo’ tells Aaron to quickly go into the population and start making attonement for all the people before God blows an artery:

Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun.

Alas, a valiant effort, but it came up short. I guess Moses was unable, or unwilling, to try and stay the vengeful hand of God this time around.

.. the plague was begun among the people … Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred

Whew! After all this killing we need a respite – something less dramatic. How about some humor? Good. In an attempt to squelch all this mummering against Him, God tells Moses to have each of the princes of the twelve tribes come up with a rod, including Aaron (representing the Levites). Write your name on each, so they don’t get mixed up or lost. The rods are placed in the tabernacle, and one of them will blossom – this will be God’s chosen leader, and all the others had better shut the fuck up. Drum roll, please …..

And it came to pass, that on the morrow Moses went into the tabernacle of witness; and, behold, the rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds.

Aaron wins! Wow, like total surprise dude! Yeah, about as predictable as a beauty pagent in which the finalist sucks off the judge before the final vote. Let’s see, the tabernacle is pretty much off limits to everyone except Moses and Aaron, and Mo’ alone goes in and comes out with the winning stick. Nope, no game rigging there. Fucking amazing.

So the people are cowered into submission in fear of perishing before their God.

And the LORD said unto Moses, Bring Aaron’s rod again before the testimony, to be kept for a token against the rebels; and thou shalt quite take away their murmurings from me, that they die not.

I don’t know about you, but I’m all numbered out. God is truly depressing, I mean REALLY depressing. We’re only about half way through the Book of Numbers and I just can’t stand it! And there is still more stupidity in the coming chapters – red cows, ritual cleanliness, rocks spewing water, talking donkeys and of course, more killing. I need a rest to rejuvinate my metaphorical pen before tackling the rest of this book. Besides, the leaves are piling up rather severely outside, so me and a rake need to get into action.

I’ll make a burnt offering to you as soon as I get a good pile of leaves. Until then … ciao!

I left off in the previous post somewhere around chapter 16.

Therefore I said unto the children of Israel, No soul of you shall eat blood, neither shall any stranger that sojourneth among you eat blood.

Vlad Dracula was definitely not Jewish. So if a Jew eats a rare steak, will they burst into flames or something?

And how is it that those extraordinarily inane Jehovah Witness nutfucks twist this adminition around to be a complete aversion to modern blood transfusions? Personally I think these JW assholes are criminal when they allow their own children to die for lack of a simple life saving transfusion. Why is it that belief in God and the Bible makes people so damn stupid? OK, it’s a rhetorical question, but still.

Beginning in chapter 18 God hands begins handing down his ordinances. Right off the bat we find that God has a problem with uncovered human body.

• None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness
• The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother
• The nakedness of thy father’s wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father’s nakedness
• The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover
• The nakedness of thy son’s daughter, or of thy daughter’s daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.
• The nakedness of thy father’s wife’s daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
• .. and on and on and on ..

Now I’ll grant you that my au natural appearance doesn’t exactly make woman scream for more. However, on the whole I have no problem with nakedness – either sex. If it doesn’t bother you then it doesn’t bother me. Must’a been lots of men walking around with stately protuberances poking out of their simple raiments.

Moving on …

Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour’s wife, to defile thyself with her.

Hey, what happens behind close tent flaps stays behind closed tent flaps! Love thy neighbor, especially if (s)he is hot!

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Ah-ha! Finally, we get to one of those homosexual-bashing quotes! Interestingly there doesn’t seem to be any explicit restriction on womankind lying together, so thankfully lesbianism is permitted. A loophole! Woohoo!!

Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

If you wake up and realize you partner has more legs than you, or is speaking in tongues (Baaaaa..), you just might be in trouble!

For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.

OK … so for all of these admonitions in Ch 18, the worst that will happen is you will be cut off from your people. Big whoop. But wait … later on God, or the priests, or some fucking editor, decides that simply being cut off from among the people isn’t good enough. We’ll get to that shortly.

Ch 19 continues with more restrictions and ordinances, some of which are actually not too bad:

• Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired
• Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind
• Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself [Does this only apply to the children of God's chosen people??]
• Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart

But like a good erection, God can’t keep it up, so it’s back to the stupidity:

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

If you bed a slave woman betrothed to another man then be sure to punish the woman – not the man.

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Huh? I get the beard thing, but the head? Just a little off the top, and round the sides of my noggin’ please.

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

Fair enough. So how come God didn’t seem to give a shit back when Lot offered up his daughters back in Sodom and Gomorrah? Yeah, well that was then, and this is now – don’t question THE MAN, I AM!

Whosoever … that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.

What the hell is Molech? According to the Jewish Encyclopedia this seems to be some type of human sacrifice – perhaps the first born of one’s seed. Maybe this is bullshit. If true, then the injunction against the practice is warranted, but the fact (if it is factual) that people actually did this makes the Heebs no better than your stereotypical cannibal of some backwater tribe in Borneo.

Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

And forget about tatoos … yer goin’ to hell if you get one. I suppose a stay of execution might be granted if you carved a cross on your chest, or wrote the ten commandments on your ass, five on each cheek.

Ch 20 gives us a run down of people that just have to be killed. I mean, forgiveness is one thing, but rules are rules and you’d better follow His, or else!

• Whosoever … that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. [that Molech thing again ... what is it?]
• For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death
• And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, … the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
• And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death:
• If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, … they shall surely be put to death
• And if a man take a wife and her mother [this could be interesting!], it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire
• And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death
• And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast
• And if a man shall lie with his uncle’s wife, … they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.
• And if a man shall take his brother’s wife, it is an unclean thing … they shall be childless.

Lovely, isn’t it?  And how is it that in Ch 18 the punishment was to be cut off from your people, but now it’s death row! Evolving standards of depravity, I guess. Or perhaps the euphemism cut off from your people is simply Bible-speak for death.

And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.

God doesn’t like all people the same. Well, we pretty much knew that fact when He decided to finger Abraham as the progenitor of his chosen fools. If God had treated all of his earthly people the same then he might not have such a problem. God plays favorites, doesn’t he?

Now, how about some a few restrictions on priests:

They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.

If you come across a bald rabbi, demand his credentials – be afraid, very afraid. Male pattern baldness is not permitted among the Jewish rabbi-aratsi class.

They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband:

.. and don’t take a divorced woman or prostitute for a wife.

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

How nice.

A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.

What is it with this obsession with virgins? I’ll take experience over inexperience any day!

Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

This injunction is followed by more explicit examples of people that God doesn’t give a shit about. His obsession with blemish-free sacrificial animals also extends to those people. Only the best and most pefect may approach the tabernacle of the congregation. Such a benevolent fuck.

• For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
• Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
• Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

God clearly disapproves of the ADA. And when it comes to sharing food from the sacrificial offerings, it ain’t for everybody neither:

There shall no stranger eat of the holy thing: a sojourner of the priest, or an hired servant, shall not eat of the holy thing.

But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his meat.

If the priest’s daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the holy things.

Strangers, guests, and hired servants? No holy eats for you! Slaves and their offspring? No eats holy for you! Even if your own daughter marries outside of the clan, she can suck manna – but no holy eats. No wonder the damn Jews are such a fucking insular group, and why they have been so despised through the ages. Look in the mirror you idiots, and see yourselfs as others see you!

And whatsoever soul it be that doeth any work in that same day, the same soul will I destroy from among his people.

Better stick to watching football on Sunday, because if you do work on the sabbath then you will be destroyed! Of course, the actual definition of work seems rather vague, so I presume anything involving prostrating yourself and mumbling shit in the name of I AM is acceptable. Cracking a beer and watching some porn might get you banished to hell.

In chapter 24 we have this interesting tale:

.. an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp; And the Israelitish woman’s son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed.

This son of an Israelitish woman argues with another and finally lashes out at the guy can calls him a ‘Goddamned hook-nosed kike’. The Lord commands Moses to bring the blasphemous miscreant before the people so he can be stoned to death.

And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

But, the very next verse says:

And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death.

The fuck? One minute the entire community is told to stone to death some poor guy because he cursed, then in the next breath we’re told that killing is immoral. Of course we were told that back in Exodus when the flaming, talking juniper scribbled on the stone tablets the testament. Talk about inconsistency! Of course, short of outright killing, you are free to inflict equal punishment to others when so inflicted:

Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.

This is God’s primodial version of Newton’s Third Law. Now I’m not hardly a Jebuzz expert, but isn’t this somewhat counter to this later teaching about turning the other cheek? Oh wait, but Jesus is part of that mathematical inequality known as the unity of the trinity. You know, God=Jesus=Holy Spirit=our Nutty Buddy. It’s all a tangled web of insanity and inconsistency.

Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country

Except, apparently, for our disgruntled blasphemer stoned to death in the aforementioned verse.

And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses.

Wait? Weren’t they listening? Oh hell, just do as God commands – don’t think about the morality or human decency of it all, just blindly follow orders. This smells exactly like the same mindset of Germans under National Socialism – blind, unquestioning obediance. The parallels are rather striking.

God gives us his offical take on slavery in 25:44,

Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.

Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.

And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever

That about says it all, doesn’t it? God so loved the world that he chose a miniscule smidgen of worthless toadies, willing to blindly follow his every demand. Anyone else that happens to live in their midst is automatically eligible for permanent slavery! What opportunities! You know what I say? Fuck his chosen people and their God!

If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them; Then I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.

How impressive! Follow God’s statutes and he’ll make it rain in the due season. God the weather man, making it rain in the season when it rains anyway. Dude, not very impressive. How about barbequed ribs in the dead of winter? Or blended margaritas in the heat of summer? Coming up next in sports, the Jews versus the Canaanites …

Next He puffs up the warrior instinct in the Heebs to convince them they are invincible:

And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword. And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.

Yeah, right. Hey, I need five fools, er brave zealots, to step forward go forth to give a whuppin’ to those one hundred angry {whatever}ites coming our way. Go git ‘em, men! God’s right beind y’all!

God remindes the Heebs that he will always be with them, unless of course they do contrary to His plan, whereupon he will be really pissed and exact revenge:

I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.

And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.

And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits.

And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children , and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.

Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.

And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up.

.. and on and on ..

Talk about Hell having no fury like a woman scorned – how about a scorned God! Remindes me of the bumber sticker that has a picture of Jesus and says ‘Love Me … or Burn!.” This is as clear a reason as any why any belief in God is bullshit. Fear of retribution as the foundation of belief. Worthless rubbish.

In the last chapter we learn the value of each person in the eyes of God:

• Male, 60+ years: 15 shekels; Female 60+: 10 shekels
• Males, 20-60 years: 60 shekels; Female: 30 shekels
• Male, 5-20 years: 20 shekels; Female 5-20 years: 10 shekels
• Male, to 5 years: 5 shekels; Female to 5 years: 3 shekels

It’s funny how females always come out on the short end of things. And there’s no adjustment for inflation.

Wrapping up this book on a positive note, we learn that human sacrifice is apparently also acceptable:

.. that a man shall devote unto the LORD of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the LORD. None devoted, which shall be devoted of men, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.

Perhaps this is that Molech business? But wasn’t that forbidden? Here it seems to be permitted! [shaking my already sore head] This must make one hell of a sweet savour unto the Lord! Gee, I wonder if they had to make a wave or heave offering? What portion did they eat??

God, you suck!

Thus concludeth the Lord’s rambling and ruminations on the rites, rituals and related rubbish as handed down to Moses and Aaron. I’m glad I’m done with this chapter … hopefully the next (Book of Numbers) will be better, though from what I’ve read so far I’m not encouraged.

Leviticus – the book of the Levites – the 3rd book of the Old Testament and the Jewish Torah. I never really knew much about this book aside from the fact that people spewing venom about homosexuals or some other ‘deviant’ behavior are always quoting some verse or another from this book. Wikipedia describes this book as essentially a formulation of the rites and rituals on Gods covenant with the Hebrews. Think of it as Ritual Offerings for Dummies – laws, rites and rituals and all the pomp and circumstance associated with paying homage to God in his portable tabernacle. Supposedly all this bullshit was handed down from God via Moses to Aaron and the unwashed horde. However, modern scholarship seems to believe all this ritual rubbish was the creation of the priests. I concur – it’s all about control – and power. Amazing how some things never change. On the whole I found this book to be rather boring. It does have its moments of hilarity, and I’ll give them attention in due course. Take notes, there will be a test.

Starting in chapter 1 we get instructions on the proper etiquette for making various offerings to God in the tabernacle. This tabernacle is something like a portable combination of a burger stand and stage, all under a circus tent. Aaron and his bro’s are the ringmasters/chefs and God is the clown, dazzling the mindless sycophants when they bring animal offerings to become the Special of the Day.

All the sacrificial offering rites have more or less the same monotonous steps, with a few variations thrown in, depending on what critter you have to offer up. Here is an example:

Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man of you bring an offering unto the LORD, ye shall bring your offering of the cattle, even of the herd, and of the flock. If his offering be a burnt sacrifice of the herd, let him offer a male without blemish: he shall offer it of his own voluntary will at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the LORD. And he shall put his hand upon the head of the burnt offering; and it shall be accepted for him to make atonement for him. And he shall kill the bullock before the LORD: and the priests, Aaron’s sons, shall bring the blood, and sprinkle the blood round about upon the altar that is by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And he shall flay the burnt offering, and cut it into his pieces. And the sons of Aaron the priest shall put fire upon the altar, and lay the wood in order upon the fire: And the priests, Aaron’s sons, shall lay the parts, the head, and the fat, in order upon the wood that is on the fire which is upon the altar: But his inwards and his legs shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of “a sweet savour unto the LORD”.

Nutty, eh? I thought so too. The above example is the official how-to for a burnt offering, which is sort of a Hallmark ‘Thank You’ card to God. This general sequence is repeated, with slight variation, for a meat offering (has nothing to do with meat as we understand it), peace offering, sin offering and trespass offering. What I find humorous is that with what, 600,000 odd people out there in the wilderness, how many of them were sinnin’ on any given day? Statistically, probably a lot. Don’t ya think there would have been an endless stream of people hauling all manner of critter to be roasted to appease God for having committed all manner of sin?

Anyway, here is how I envision this offering stuff as working. Say for example your wife sees that your neighbors wife has a bitchin jewel-encrusted Egyptian brass dildo. Without asking permission, she takes the prized sex toy home for a little self discovery. By now she has probably committed a multitude of sins, so to make things right with God she has to grab a goat and make a sin offering. When questioned by her neighbor about the heirloom she denies having seen it – she’s lying. But, she can get off (pun intended) that rap by hauling another ruminant to the grill for a trespass offering. At last she admits her transgression and returns the prized idol to her neighbor who, naturally, is very grateful. Everyone is happy and content, so she can make another goat burger through a peace offering. Her neighbor decides to share use of the pleasure stick – woohoo! – thanks be to God. Now, after screaming God’s name in the throes of self pleasure, they can make it all official through a burnt offering of thanks.

Following the ritual sacrifice stuff we get into specifics about cleanliness.

Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty.

Or if he touch the uncleanness of man, whatsoever uncleanness it be that a man shall be defiled withal, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty.

Pick up a dead bug – GUILTY, time to kill a goat. And what on earth is the uncleanness of man? Is it possible to touch the uncleanness of man and not know it?!

Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a man shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these.

So when I think to myself “Goddamn, I’d like to have a roll in the hay with that!”, I guess I’d be a commitin’ evil, so I’d better stop at the market and pick up a goat or ten. (I may need a trailer to haul my offering fodder, for my thought iniquity is great!)

But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, that pertain unto the LORD, having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people.

Just remember to keep your grubby, unclean fingers off Gods portion, or you’ll be cast off!

For whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD, even the soul that eateth it shall be cut off from his people.

OK, we get it, we get it … God likes fat (so do my dogs, and they are better behaved).

A few lines later we we’re introduced to the wave and heave offerings, as part of ritual atonement for sin and trespass offerings.

.. the fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD. And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron’s and his sons’.

Aaron has to wave God’s portion, the breast, around in the air. This had to be amusing to see, but it gets better!

And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering of the sacrifices of your peace offerings.

[chuckling] Now Aaron as to heave over his head the shoulder of whatever critter was sacrificed. Poor Aaron must have cursed a blue streak when somebody brought some full sized cow instead of a puny goat. Nevertheless, I like this idea of a heave offering to God. The next time I’m vomiting my intestines after Tequila night at my local tavern, I’ll be sure to credit the offering to God – chunks and all.

Chapter 8 goes into boring detail on the consecration of Aaron and his sons. Moses dresses them up in their Sunday best garments:

.. And he put the breastplate upon him: also he put in the breastplate the Urim and the Thummim.

Huh? What the hell are Urim and Thummim? Road trip time to wiki-land. Seems these were some ancient equivalent of dice, used in divination or other similar priestly voodoo. Whenever some poor slob was brought before the priests they would ‘roll the dice’, so to speak, to decide whether he be a sinner or not. I can only conclude this was the backup plan when God was not answering Aaron.

Aaron: God, can you hear me now? I need divination help. Is this guy telling the truth?

God: Wha? Hello? Who’s there? NO, I DON’T need any MEdamn siding!

Aaron: Hmm … no answer. Not a problem, I’ll use my Magic Eight Ball instead.

Aaron and his sons go through all the ritual bullshit that Moses is commanded by God to perform. Make a sacrifice, sprinkle blood (of course), wave a slab of meat, etc.

And Moses said unto Aaron and to his sons, Boil the flesh at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and there eat it with the bread that is in the basket of consecrations ..

Eat flesh? Cripes, they sacrifice an entire animal and don’t even get a decent happy meal out of the deal. Yuk!

And ye shall not go out of the door of the tabernacle of the congregation in seven days, until the days of your consecration be at an end: for seven days shall he consecrate you.

Seven days they have to stay in the temple – rain or shine – waiting on God to process the divine paperwork. I bet they smelled like saints after that! On the eighth day Moses returns whereupon they round up some offering fodder:

Take ye a kid of the goats for a sin offering; and a calf and a lamb, both of the first year, without blemish, for a burnt offering; Also a bullock and a ram for peace offerings, to sacrifice before the LORD; and a meat offering mingled with oil: for to day the LORD will appear unto you.

OK, let’s toss some Kingsford on the sacrificial Weber and get on with this godly feast! Place hand on head (the animals, stupid), repeat after me .., kill, clean, sprinkle blood, rinse, repeat. The people applaud ’cause God is now going to make an appearance, of sorts:

And Moses and Aaron went into the tabernacle of the congregation, and came out, and blessed the people: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the people.

And there came a fire out from before the LORD, and consumed upon the altar the burnt offering and the fat: which when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces.

What ignorant asses. Ya toss a slab of meat/fat on the grill, the fire flares up, and the spooked nitwits prostrate themselves in dirt-kissing submission. God’s chosen idiots. They should be so proud. (I see God every time I toss bratwurst on the grill.)

It’s been a while since God explicitly killed anyone, so a couple of Aarons’s sons step up to the grill, as it were:

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD.

What the hell? Strange fire?! These goofs enter the tabernacle with an incense burning censer, God gets pissed at this strange fire, and barbecue’s them. A pugnacious little prick, isn’t he? And Aaron, the spineless little sea urchin, just sits there with his thumb up his ass.

Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. And Aaron held his peace.

Held his peace my ass. I’ll betcha he burned a barnyard of goats for his thoughts at that moment!

And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Israel, bewail the burning which the LORD hath kindled.

A couple of other sons have to haul the toasted carcass of the first two brothers of the tabernacle. But don’t uncover your heads, of tear at your clothes over the loss – otherwise God will kill you too, and make everyone suffer. Ya gotta love him – God, that is.

Chapter 11 launches us into all manner of admonitions surrounding culinary restrictions and cleanliness.

Whatsoever parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, and cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.

But …

Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

The coney, and the hare and the swine – their all unclean too. And the list of specifics goes on and on. Fish are OK, shellfish are bad; a litany of birds are forbidden, including:

All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.

Eh? Fowl that creeps on all fours? I must have slept through that biology lesson.

But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you.

As any 10 year old kid can tell you, most creeping things of the insect variety have six legs. I guess God forgot what all He created. A mental lapse, to go with his many other shortcomings.

And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.

So does this mean dogs and cats are an abonimation to Jews? Are they really that paranoid? I’m imagining a funny scene in which an innocent cat is lobbed into a synagogue and the fools scatter like it was a live grenade.

More fun stuff.

If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days

But if she bares a female child:

But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks

The hell? And the reason for this distinction is … um .. oh yeah, I remember now. God treats the female sex like shit – they are only here as sex toys for men, and baby factories to breed more males.

How ’bout leprosy? Lots of minutiae in dealing with this condition, but God knows the proper treatment:

Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop: And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water: As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.

Well holy fucking Mayo Clinic! And all this time I thought it was a bacterial infection which took modern science to identify and develop an effective treatment. Goodness gracious, God just knows everything – he not only created the disease, but knows the magical cure too! Hey, any word about cancer, or heart disease, or Alzheimers, or …? [silence]

When ye be come into the land of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession;

And when the Heebs eventually reach Canaan, God will plague certain houses with leprosy. But not to worry, because guess what? The exact same treatment works on houses too!

And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird, and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seven times: And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird …

Un-fucking believable – Dr Cureall’s Wonder Tonic. Cures leprosy, removes stains, improves virility and is great on salads! And if you order now, He’ll include … (BTW … what happened to God’s irate hornets he was sending to Canaan back in Exodus?)

More interesting concepts on cleanliness.

When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.

Got a cold, you’re unclean. Boils or other skin lesions – unclean.

And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.

Sloppy sex? Well, it’s been years, but I recall ‘seed’ being rather liberally disbursed when in the heat of copulation. It’s part and parcel of the experience, unless you or your partner are Catholic. Or are they talking about wet dreams (or handjobs)? Shit, you can’t control wet dreams – it happens. And as for the latter, well, I’ve been waking up with Woody for years, and sometimes you just gotta wax the carrot, and and the seed shall go forth – to whereever. But I guess that’s OK as long as you shower afterward.

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

A woman has to spend approximately 20% of her fertile years apart, simply because of her God-given biology. Oh, and anything they touch, lay on or sit on is also unclean and must be immediately washed lest you get female cooties, or something. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto Aaron thy brother, that he come not at all times into the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat, which is upon the ark; that he die not: for I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat.

Aaron had better not come at all times into the holy place because God has to come down and sit (shit?) in his mercy seat throne. You know, his golden custom made American Standard, with the soft seat for his godly fat-ass. All too funny.

And Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the LORD, and the other lot for the scapegoat.

God’s goat is roasted for a sin offering, but the upon the other is figureatively placed the sins of the people and sent off into the wilderness as – a scapegoat! Supposedly the goat was sent into an uninhabited wilderness, presumably to die. But, goats are pretty resourceful critters so I imagine it did alright. I wonder if some hapless person came across it, butchered it and symbolically ate the sins of the Heebs? Food for thought! (pun intended)

***

[Yawn] This is it for this post. There are only about 10 chapters left in the book, and much of what remains consists of Thou Shalt Not stuff which is rich in gut-busting hilarity. I’m working on the next post already, so give me a couple of days and I’ll be done with this damn book so I can move on.

Zzzzz…….